自從樹X不肯收我入讀學位之後,我才深切了解勞思光所言的罪,究竟是甚麼意思。我的成績自問不錯,但是樹X仍然只肯收成績差過我的學生。我想,原因是可能因為U.E.不合格,所以就像留有案底的人般,「頭頭碰著黑」。而那學生因為會考之後就讀副學士,個底無花到,所以即使校內成績差過我,樹X也照收。我真是恨死這間學校。

死八婆經常奚落我不練好英文才有如斯下場。我一直想反駁死八婆,難道我一直以來積累得來的知識、批判思維、對人生的體會,就不比英文能力重要?難道我有必要做一部翻譯機器,才算得上是成功。問題不是我不遷就社會,而是這個瘋狂的社會貴英賤中,這才是問題。不過我不奢望死八婆會明白,她一向是一個村姑。

不過自從閱讀勞思光的《歷史的懲罰》的最後一章。我不得不說,這是罪,人人都免不了罪。

勞思光講人生的絕望,主要分三層。這裡不便詳談,簡單來說,第一層的人是人云亦云,被自己的動物性所支配,生活只是為了滿足自己的慾望,行屍走肉地過完一生。有一慾望產生,這些人就急不及待地滿足它,當這一慾望滿足後,這些人就趕著滿足另一個慾望,如此惡性循環。

當然沒有人願意這樣的「奴役狀態」。所以就有第二層的追求,好像是勞思光引斯賓諾薩(Spinoza)所指的——理性的權威。理性的權威通俗點說就是追求人生意義。雖然人生意義五花百門,但是追求的心,亦即是抱著「這是應該做」的心態,這種心態與「使人快樂」不同,牽涉一種「理」或使命感。即使人生如何凶險,也不能使這種「理」覆滅。由此可見,是否證明了理性之勝利,生命之征服?

可勞思光指出了,主體自由之限制,必然的「罪」與「苦」。

這就是義務之虧欠。(按:和人的壽命無關)人要實踐「理」是需要靠外在的身體,接受客觀的局限。簡單來說,人一生有不同的義務,但是卻不能一一完成。例如一個醉心學問的人,不能同時在從商非常成功;一個在外非常成功的企業家,對家人或國家民族有所虧欠,李嘉誠用心慈嘉,但他卻從制度上剝削香港人的血汗錢。人不可以完成多項義務,這就是人生之「罪」,這不可免之「罪」。

我的求學時代,的確做到廣泛閱讀,但總卻不能同時花時間鑽研考題、花在英文身上,結果這種罪,使得我與大學無緣。但是,當在看到自己的同儕盡了「應盡」的義務,鑽研試題,用心英文,他們雖然「成功」了,但是他們被資本主義玩弄得團團轉,變成了一個無思想的小齒輪,未嘗不是一個悲劇。要我仿效他們,我又做不到。

這個「罪」,除了要自我承擔之餘,又教我如何排解?

Short Link:http://wp.me/sv5M9-sin

胡啟敢

胡啟敢

和史學大師司馬遷一樣,因為心中有鬱結,所以才動筆寫作。以前迷信經濟學,現在已是一個民主社會主義者。我的生活有點不平凡,所以思想亦別樹一格。與其藉此三言兩語了解我,不如慢慢看我的網誌的文章,窺探我的內心世界吧。現在徵求女朋友中。

2 Comments

  1. Why feel pain about that?

    You don’t get rewarded in this society since this society does not need people who think.

    This society, or in fact, in most of the societies in this world, doesn’t need people who think too deep. It is because in an economic derived world, knowledges and thinking that cannot be used to make money will not be valued.

    It is just like the old saying say “不論白貓黑貓,捉到老鼠便是好貓”, under this believe, what good will it do to know about Chinese history if you cannot make money out of it?

    It is just like when TV says some people have great vision, it is mostly because they “run a big business” or “make a big deal of money”. And they are being described as “才俊”, and being envy by many.

    I seldom heard that, in nowadays, people will be described as “才俊” because he or she make a great contribution to the mankind.

    So, I think you should not feel too bad about this at all……

    After all, in this age of consumption, we will evaluate a person on how much money he / she make ( cause this will also mean how much he / she can consume). And since your knowledge cannot be used to make money, then, I don’t think it is a surprise that you don’t get rewarded by your society.

    If you want to be happier, just play by the rules that are set, then, you will be rewarded and thus happier. What is the point to think that much anyway?

    In this age of madness, irresponsible, desire, lust, and consumption, stop thinking and you will be happier. Believe me.

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